Healthy Criticism: An Art

CRITICISM WITHOUT INVOKING THE HATRED OF OTHERS REQUIRES TO BE MADE WITH A LOT OF CARE & AT THE SAME TIME MUST BE EFFECTIVE. IT MUST SOLVE THE PURPOSE FOR WHICH IT IS INTENDED TO. VERY OFTEN WE COME ACROSS SITUATIONS WHEREIN THE NEED OF CHANGING OR MODIFYING THE ATTITUDE OF OUR FAMILY MEMBERS, FRIENDS OR RELATIVES IS REQUIRED. IT IS A VERY DELICATE SITUATION TO TACKLE, ESPECIALLY WITH PEOPLE WHO ARE CLOSE TO US. 

IN SUCH SITUATIONS, BEFORE SAYING ANYTHING WE ARE APREHENSIVE THAT HOW IT WILL BE TAKEN?  WOULD IT BE TAKEN IN THE SAME SPIRIT AS WE MEAN IT TO BE OR WOULD IT BACKFIRE? MANY TIMES WE UNKNOWINGLY HURT THE FEELING OF OTHERS BY BEHAVING IN A MANNER THAT ACCORDING TO US IS RIGHT/JUSTIFIED WITHOUT BOTHERING TO FIND OUT WHETHER THE PERSON SITTING OPPOSITE US ALSO FEELS THE SAME WAY. A FEW MINUTES THOUGHT, A CONSIDERATE WORD OR TWO, AN UNDERSTANDING FROM THE OTHER PERSONS ANGLE & DISCUSSION WITH ELDERS WOULD HELP US NOT ONLY IN CHANGING HIM BUT ALSO COMING CLOSER & THAT TOO WITHOUT HURTING.

HOW TO BEGIN?

"WELL BEGUN IS HALF DONE".  MAKE A GOOD BEGINING & HALF OF THE BATTLE IS WON. SO BEGIN BY APPRECIATING ONE’S POSITIVE POINTS. IT MAY BE AS SIMPLE AS “YOU ALWAYS DRESS VERY WELL” OR THAT “YOU ALWAYS LOOK FRESH & ENERGETIC”. याहां कंजुसी मत करिये... DON’T MISS THIS OPPOURTUNITY. THIS WILL MAKE ONE READY TO LISTEN TO YOU. APPRECIATION & CRITICISM (तारीफ़ और ताना) MUST ALWAYS BE IN THE PROPORTATION OF 2:1 & THAT TOO APPRECIATION FIRST.

SELECT PROPER WORDS:

WE NEED TO BE VERY CAUTIOUS & CAREFUL ABOUT THE LANGUAGE IN WHICH WE COMMUNICATE. FOR OFTEN WHAT WE SPEAK IN A SPUR OF EXITEMENT MIGHT OFFEND THE LISTENER.

BE TRANSPERENT:

TRY TO DESCRIBE YOUR FEELINGS ABOUT OTHER’S BEHAVIOR IN THE WAY IT AFFECTS YOU. DON’T MAKE JUDGEMENT & NEGATIVE EVALUATION ABOUT OTHER'S.  IT WILL MAKE HIM DEFENSIVE & IN ATTACKING ATTITUDE TOWARDS YOU. HE WILL DELIBERATELY FIND & POINT OUT YOU LACUNA'S. ON THE CONTRARY THE MOMENT YOU SAY LET US SIT TOGETHER & DISCUSS, IMMEDIATELY, A FRIENDLY ATMOSPHERE GETS DEVELOPED. THIS, BECAUSE THE OTHER PERSON FEELS THAT YOU ARE INTERESTED IN LISTENING & UNDERSTANDING FROM HIS ANGLE & NOT JUST IN PASSING ANY JUDGEMENT.

LANGUAGE MATTERS:

AVOID WORDS LIKE बेवकुफ, ढीला, स्वार्थी, मतलबी, निकम्मा, जिन्दगी मे कुछ नही कर सकेगा, आज तक कुछ किया नही.. COMMENTS ON PERSONALITY LIKE मोटा, मरियल, बुटका, MUST BE STRICTLY AVOIDED. IF YOU LOOK AT YOURSELF YOU TOO MIGHT HAVE MANY NEGATIVE THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF OR YOUR PERSONALITY.  HELP OTHER PERSON TO UNDERSTAND YOUR VIEW POINT. LET HIM UNDERSTAND HOW HIS BEHAVIOUR HAS AFFECTED YOU. 

EXPRESS DIRECTLY:

THE EXACT INTENDED MESSAGE GETS TWISTED & MODIFIED IF SENT THROUGH OTHERS.  BY THE TIME YOUR MESSAGE REACHES TO WHOM IT IS INTENDED TO IT LOOSES ITS ORIGINALITY GETS TWISTED & THE OTHER PERSON MIGHT GET HURT. THIS WAY THE VERY PURPOSE OF THE MESSAGE GETS DEFEATED.

CRITICISE IN PRIVATE:

WHILE CRITICISING ALWAYS SPEAK IN PRIVATE. THE CRITICISM GETS DILUTED & THEREFORE THERE IS MORE CHANCE OF IT GETTING ACCEPTABLE. IF CRITICISED IN PUBLIC A FEELING OF BEING HUMILIATED & INSULTED GETS AROUSED.

PRAISE IN PUBLIC:

IF YOU APPRECIATE A PERSON IN GROUP, HE FEELS HONOURED. THEN IF REQUIRED YOU COULD EXPECT A POSITIVE RESPONSE FROM HIM ON ANY COMMENT OR CRITISISM. “A BITTER PILL AFTER A SWEET ONE IS EASIER TO BE ADVISED”.

ONE THING AT A TIME:

THIS UNIVERSAL CONCEPT APPLIES SUCCESSFULLY HERE ALSO. FOCUS ON ONE ISSUE AT A TIME THAN A LONG LIST. WHEN A PERSON IS BOMBARDED WITH TOO MANY UNPLEASENT ISSUES AT ONE GO NOTHING GETS REGISTERED. ONE FEELS THAT IF HE HAS SO MANY MINUS POINTS IT IS JUST IMPOSSIBLE TO RECTIFY THEM & THAT HE IS WORTHLESS. SO HE NEGLECTS ALL & STARTS AVOIDING YOU.

EXPRESS VERBALLY:

हाथ पांव पटकना, चिल्लाना, दरवाज़ा जोर से बंद करना, खाने की थाली छोड कर उठ जाना, बात चित बंद कर देना, रिस्पौन्स नही देना, COLD STAIRS, SHOUTING- NONE OF THESE WORK. NON-VERBAL MESSAGES CREATE CONFUSION. HOW CAN YOU EXPECT THE OTHER PERSON TO UNDERSTANDING WHAT IS IN YOUR MIND WHEN IS NOT ABLE TO UNDERSTAND WHERE HE HIMSELF HAS GONE WRONG? SO “SPEAK & COMMUNICATE WITH WORDS SPOKEN”.

DO NOT SOUND APOLOGETIC:

MOST OFTEN WE FEEL GUILTY WHEN WE CRITICISE OUR NEAR & DEAR ONES. THIS OFCOURSE COMES FROM OUR NATURAL LOVE & AFFECTION FOR THEM. BUT THEN WE NEED TO UNDERST& THAT FOR THE SAME LOVE & AFFECTION WE ARE CRITICISING THEM. THE PURPOSE IS TO HELP THEM REALISE & RECTIFY THEIR MISTAKES.  THEEFORE NEVER SOUND APOLOGETIC. EXPRESSIONS LIKE “PLEASE FORGIVE ME…. OR I AM SORRY TO SAY….” DIMINISHES THE IMPACT OF THE MESSAGE. REMEMBER APOLOGY IS GIVEN OR OFFERED WHEN YOU COMMIT SOME MISTAKE & NOT WHEN YOU ARE TRYING TO RECTIFY ONE.

DO NOT COMPARE:

I DO NOT AGREE WITH THE THINKING THAT COMPARISON LEADS TO A HEALTHY COMPETATION. INSTEAD IT LEADS TO RESENTMENT & COMPLETE REJECTION OF YOUR VIEWS EVEN IF THEY ARE CORRECT. COMPARISON OFFENDS & DELIVERS A BLOW TO ONE’S SELF-ESTEEM SOMETIMES IT LEADS TO A FEELING OF ANIMOSITY FOR THE PERSON WITH WHOM COMPARISON IS MADE. WHEN A PERSON IS REPEATEDLY TOLD THAT HE IS NOT GOOD OR THE OTHER PERSON IS BETTER THAN HIM HE WILL TEND TO DISMISS YOUR STANDARDS & YOUR WORDS WILL LOOSE THEIR VALUE.

DO NOT USE WORDS LIKE ALWAYS & NEVER:

SUCH WORDS DILUTE THE POWER OF YOUR STATEMENTS LEADING TO A TOTAL DISREGARD FOR YOUR IDEAS & OPINIONS. “ALWAYS” COMPLETELY DECRIES THE PAST. “NEVER” SEEMS TO SAY THAT HE IS GOING TO REMAIN AS HE IS FOREVER & THAT HE CAN NEVER IMPROVE SUCH WORDS WOULD GENERATE AN INSTANT NEGATIVE REACTION. THAT ONE IS ACTING WITH A PREJUDUSICED MIND.

DO NOT BE SARCASTIC:

BEING SARCASTIC FAILS TO CONVEY THE MESSAGE BUT HURTS THE FEELINGS. SARCASTIC MEANS EXPRESSING PRAISES LIKE COMMENTS. FOR EXAMPLE: TELLING WIFE THAT TODAY FOOD IS VERY EXECELLENT & THAT YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN THE KITCHEN OF A FIVE STAR HOTEL OR YOUR BRAIN IS EXECELLENT & THAT IT CAN BE KEPT IN A MUSUEM. THE OTHER PERSON FEELS EMBARASSED, ASHAMED & DEVEALOPS A REVENGE TAKING ATTITUDE.

“CRITICISM IS AN ART THAT CAN BE LEARNED THROUGH ONE’S PERSONAL MISTAKES & EXPERIENCE, THROUGH DISCUSSIONS & MOST IMPORTANTLY AN EMPATHATIC ATTITUDE TOWARDS OTHERS”.

(This is a Copyright Article published in various newspapers and magzines under the name of the blog writer)